Dazed and Confused . . .

Have you ever been fighting a fight that was not winnable? The question then becomes why fight. Why do you struggle in a war that is not winnable. You know it actually damages the one who is fighting. I know that none of this makes any sense. I am in a place in my life where things just do not make sense. You would think that a college educated 43 year old dude would be able to make sense out of life by now. I am half way through this thing called physical life, and I am closer to that final resting place. I know kinda a downer. Sorry. I am alive, and I want to experience life fully, though at times I am just down, and weighted down. I want to free my mind and my heart. I want to be up and lite feeling again. I miss the happy side of life, and the energy giving activities that life brings our way. I must admit that I feel kinda lost right now. I know I am not alone in this feeling, but it is an unnerving feeling none the less. I might say that I am depressed, but that is not what I am. I am something other than that . . . Something I can not quite place my finger on . . . I am something other, something else. Lost is a good word, not in a theological sense of the word, but in an all encompassing earthly way. I desire things I can not have or attain, and this has caused me an internal pain that has placed my life and desires into a tail spin. I can not free my mind and heart of this desire, and I can not break free. I need freedom from myself, from my own struggles. I need freedom from my own desires. I am growing tired of the fight . . . I want to know rest, or I want to know satisfaction . . . I want, but I do not have . . . Peace